grandma shit on top of the toilet
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
