she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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