My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
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