i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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