im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
