i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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