And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Boobs are out for the taking
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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