Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
