my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
