Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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