i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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