I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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