I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
