I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
