just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
