Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
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