Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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