This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i think im in europe. pls send help
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
