clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Welp...herpes.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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