Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
