I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
