The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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