you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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