Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
