i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
