the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
