my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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