i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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