I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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