i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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