please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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