I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
