And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Even my vagina gasped.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
