I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
