i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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