My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
