Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
