Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
