You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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