You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
