New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
