Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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