my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
