wakey wakey hands off snakey
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
