i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
