I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
