Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
