I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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