can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
