WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
