you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
